Cloud Computing: Does anybody have a clue?

RICK

Hey Greg. One of the great, (and sometimes not so great) thing about writing a daily tech column and frequent sports technology columns is getting feedback and questions from the readers. It’s often insightful and interesting to see what they like and don’t like about what I write. I know that as a comedian, you get instant feedback from your audience, and that is something I’m sure you appreciate. Just in the last week, I received questions like “why did my laptop screen go blue and offer up an error message?” I also was asked to recommend a router, and got my weekly question about “the cloud.” I know you are aware of cloud computing, heck we do this column utilizing some cloud services. But how do I answer multiple questions each week about the cloud?
Should I just have the following statement at the ready to be pasted into reply emails?

Cloud computing is a colloquial expression used to describe a variety of different computing concepts that involve a large number of computers that are connected through a real-time communication network (typically the Internet). The popularity of the term “The Cloud” can be attributed to its use in marketing to sell hosted services in the sense of application service provisioning that run client server software on a remote location.

I know you got all that Greg.

GREG

Rick, you must be suffering serious writer’s block these days because that definition reads like it was lifted directly from a Cal Tech student’s term paper. Let me simplify the cloud for you and your readers. The truth is, the cloud is where you store everything you don’t want your wife to see. This could include photos of old girlfriends, your online gambling info, pornography, you name it. Don’t worry, you can still access all of this information any time provided you A) have a password and B) don’t let your wife find the password.

It’s true that businesses are heavily invested in this mysterious technology but they’ve just added software programs to the list of stuff that’s available in the cloud. All the employees can now use Microsoft Word without loading it onto their hard drives and, since the cloud has unlimited storage space, that leaves plenty of room for top executives to store their private collections of incriminating photos and porn. Make sense now?.

RICK

Greg, what’s wrong with you? They are going to take away your “man card” any second now. Giving away that vital information puts you in the same category as Edward Snowden, in the eyes of many. (Wait for just a second as I have to change my password on Mozy.com) But back to the cloud. How do we get the average American up to speed on “cloud syncs,” “data breaches,” and “virtual desktops” so I don’t have to take any more time away from doing important things like losing to you in “Words With Friends” and holing out chips on EA Sports Tiger Woods 2013 to answer questions about the cloud? The cloud is not even a real object; why are people so frightened of it? Should we just say the cloud is a bunch of computers and servers that store our important (and in many cases unimportant) data for safe keeping? I’m pulling my hair out over here. I just want to be able to explain the cloud to a bunch of kids without one of them changing the subject to talk about her “puppy brother.” Is this possible?

GREG

Rick I think you should stop trying to explain it. Even Oracle CEO Larry Ellison doesn’t know what the cloud is, as evidenced by this interview from a few years ago, and his company makes cloud computing software! Have you ever heard that Alabama song, Angels Among Us? Just tell your inquisitive readers that there is data storage among us as well. Then tell them to experiment by moving their 10,000-song music collection to the Apple iCloud. That should be fun; you can spend the next few weeks answering questions that begin, “Dear Rick: Where the #$%@ is my music?” You will reply, “It’s in the cloud” and that ought to be enough to make everybody realize that floppy storage disks and Iomega ZIP drives were actually good things.


RICK

All good points Greg. But let me reference one quick conversation I had with a colleague's son a week or so ago. This 11-year old was typing away at his PC and I decided to get inquisitive and ask him if he knew what “The Cloud” was. Without missing a beat, he looked up at me and said, “No, but I’ll Google it.” If an 11-year is apparently comfortable with cloud usage, I’m okay with it, I guess we all should just go with it.