Cloud Computing: Does anybody have a clue?

RICK

Hey Greg. One of the great, (and sometimes not so great) thing about writing a daily tech column and frequent sports technology columns is getting feedback and questions from the readers. It’s often insightful and interesting to see what they like and don’t like about what I write. I know that as a comedian, you get instant feedback from your audience, and that is something I’m sure you appreciate. Just in the last week, I received questions like “why did my laptop screen go blue and offer up an error message?” I also was asked to recommend a router, and got my weekly question about “the cloud.” I know you are aware of cloud computing, heck we do this column utilizing some cloud services. But how do I answer multiple questions each week about the cloud?
Should I just have the following statement at the ready to be pasted into reply emails?

Cloud computing is a colloquial expression used to describe a variety of different computing concepts that involve a large number of computers that are connected through a real-time communication network (typically the Internet). The popularity of the term “The Cloud” can be attributed to its use in marketing to sell hosted services in the sense of application service provisioning that run client server software on a remote location.

I know you got all that Greg.

GREG

Rick, you must be suffering serious writer’s block these days because that definition reads like it was lifted directly from a Cal Tech student’s term paper. Let me simplify the cloud for you and your readers. The truth is, the cloud is where you store everything you don’t want your wife to see. This could include photos of old girlfriends, your online gambling info, pornography, you name it. Don’t worry, you can still access all of this information any time provided you A) have a password and B) don’t let your wife find the password.

It’s true that businesses are heavily invested in this mysterious technology but they’ve just added software programs to the list of stuff that’s available in the cloud. All the employees can now use Microsoft Word without loading it onto their hard drives and, since the cloud has unlimited storage space, that leaves plenty of room for top executives to store their private collections of incriminating photos and porn. Make sense now?.

RICK

Greg, what’s wrong with you? They are going to take away your “man card” any second now. Giving away that vital information puts you in the same category as Edward Snowden, in the eyes of many. (Wait for just a second as I have to change my password on Mozy.com) But back to the cloud. How do we get the average American up to speed on “cloud syncs,” “data breaches,” and “virtual desktops” so I don’t have to take any more time away from doing important things like losing to you in “Words With Friends” and holing out chips on EA Sports Tiger Woods 2013 to answer questions about the cloud? The cloud is not even a real object; why are people so frightened of it? Should we just say the cloud is a bunch of computers and servers that store our important (and in many cases unimportant) data for safe keeping? I’m pulling my hair out over here. I just want to be able to explain the cloud to a bunch of kids without one of them changing the subject to talk about her “puppy brother.” Is this possible?

GREG

Rick I think you should stop trying to explain it. Even Oracle CEO Larry Ellison doesn’t know what the cloud is, as evidenced by this interview from a few years ago, and his company makes cloud computing software! Have you ever heard that Alabama song, Angels Among Us? Just tell your inquisitive readers that there is data storage among us as well. Then tell them to experiment by moving their 10,000-song music collection to the Apple iCloud. That should be fun; you can spend the next few weeks answering questions that begin, “Dear Rick: Where the #$%@ is my music?” You will reply, “It’s in the cloud” and that ought to be enough to make everybody realize that floppy storage disks and Iomega ZIP drives were actually good things.


RICK

All good points Greg. But let me reference one quick conversation I had with a colleague's son a week or so ago. This 11-year old was typing away at his PC and I decided to get inquisitive and ask him if he knew what “The Cloud” was. Without missing a beat, he looked up at me and said, “No, but I’ll Google it.” If an 11-year is apparently comfortable with cloud usage, I’m okay with it, I guess we all should just go with it.

Brad Pitt: World War Z Super Hero or Run of the Mill Zombie?

GREG

Seen any good movies lately Rick? This summer there's only one film that doesn't meet my "wait until it's on Netflix" criteria and that's World War Z. Oh sure, every June there's another supposed blockbuster where some guy saves the world all by himself. Usually that guy's name is Batman. Or Will Smith. But in Smith's latest, the disastrous After Earth, he is 1,000 years too late to the earth-saving party; it's already been destroyed and everybody’s abandoned ship for another planet. At least that’s what I was told. At last count only 14 people had actually seen After Earth. I was not among them..

World War Z instead turns to Brad Pitt, the right dude for the role of world saver. I doubt Pitt even had to audition for this part. Heck, in real life he criss-crosses the globe saving people via humanitarian projects while still finding time to make movies and raise six children (or is it eight? I lose track) Stopping a pandemic that, according to the World War Z website is, "toppling armies and government and threatening to decimate humanity itself" seems like a typical day's work. Hollywood finally got it right in casting Mr. Jolie. Agree?


RICK

Not so fast! Thanks for your two cents on movies that now unfortunately cost $15 to see. I didn’t realize that the box office count for After Earth had now reached double figures.

Back to your take on World War Z. I’ve been waiting with bated breath for this movie to come out. But not for the reason you may think. I just don’t want to see the World War Z trailer and hear the phrase “Moscow is still dark” for the 83rd time. The truth is, this movie is actually Brad Pitt in a zombie movie disguised as a summer blockbuster.

Putting one-half of Brangelina to assume the role of “Savior-in-Chief” is akin to casting Shaquille O’Neal as a 7-foot tall genie. (Oh I guess that did happen - KAZAAM!) Pitt is a safe pick, but this is a zombie invasion movie... Greg, who would really be your top pick to play someone who is going to save humanity from the zombies?

GREG

Did I not make myself clear? My one and ONLY choice for this role is Mr.Chanel No. 5. Is your problem that he’s too good looking? Yes he has absolutely no physical flaws, unlike other “save the day” actors such as Smith (large ears), Bruce Willis (receding hairline) and Steven Seagal (can’t act). But that’s the whole point; finally we get to see a movie where Brad looks like Brad. Did you see 12 Monkeys? How about True Romance? Or The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? This guy’s had more stuff done to his face over the years than any Kardashian family member, Bruce Jenner notwithstanding. Besides, the plot is so far fetched - even for a “zombie movie,” as you’re labeling it - that it’s only fitting for Hollywood’s biggest man hunk to snare the lead role. I don’t know how World War Z ends but I’m sure it will involve a stretch Hummer showing up to drive a perfectly-coiffed Pitt and his family past a pile of mangled bodies and on to a mountain top resort that, miraculously, escaped damage.



RICK

Greg, you bring up some great possibilities in that last dissertation you just gave. Seagal would be a great choice. Who has more experience in making awful action movies than him? He’s only 60 and Wikipedia says he lives on a dude ranch, so you know he’s in great shape. If not Seagal, how about Jean-Claude Van Damme? “The Muscles from Brussels” hasn’t made anything that hasn’t gone straight to video since 1999, but that’s all the more reason. He’s hungry! If you aren’t a fan of the action movies, how about Morgan Freeman? He’s played every role from God to the President of the United States, and he even drove Miss Daisy. Saving the world would be a piece of cake for a guy that drove a racist old Jewish schoolteacher around Atlanta in the 1960s. Brad Pitt may be believeable as guy robbing a casino, or a guy who ages in reverse in Benjamin Button, but not here. Oh, I got it.. Dolph Lundgren- he killed Apollo Creed in Rocky IV, and almost got Rocky. But I digress... oooooh how about Shaquille O’Neal?

GREG

Rick, I was going to invite you to the multiplex to see World War Z but only if you buy into the notion of Brad as world saver. Otherwise, I’ll bring my wife, who also thinks Pitt is a good choice. Imagine that! You can sit home watching your scratched copy of Kazaam while pondering what should have been. Come to think of it, that’s probably what Shaq is doing right now. Don’t get too comfortable; remember, it’s still dark in Moscow.

Golf Twitter Wars: Good, Bad or Just Plain Ridiculous?

GREG

Dear Rick: I almost tweeted you this letter, seeing that you have a fondness for all things Twitter. Indeed, it shouldn’t take me more than 140 characters to convince you that, just like there’s no crying in baseball, there should be no tweeting in golf. Why are you so obsessed with following the exploits of PGA professionals? I mean, what could these guys POSSIBLY tweet about? Ooh, how about this?

“Greens bumpy today. Only two under. #Iplaygolfforalivingandyoudon’t #Hahaha #LOL

See what I mean?

Also, the last thing I need to see are Twitter wars among golfers, similar to those crybaby-fests that have infiltrated the NBA and NFL. I was glad to see Sergio and Tiger insult each other the old fashioned way: through the press. A feud is much more believable when you’re not adding hashtags to your “fried chicken” and “always whining about something” comments. So please let me know when you’ve unfollowed Jason, Stewart, Keegan, Bubba and the rest of them. Okay?


RICK

My friend Greg: There is no chance I’m going to unfollow any golfers, in fact I just followed Graeme, Luke, Ian and even Holly Sonders, but I’m following her for an entirely different reason. Standard golf etiquette says that golfers must behave like gentlemen while at the course. There are no such rules that apply while on Twitter - thankfully.

Greg, you more than anybody I know, should appreciate tweets where people whine and make fun of everything life throws at us - you make fun of them weekly in your act. While these golfers appear stoic and boring while on the course, in many instances they are wildly entertaining and engaging on Twitter.

Take Jason Dufner as one example. On the course he is as emotionless and a dull as a zucchini, but on Twitter he’s hilarious. During the fall, he gives his football picks and supports his Auburn Tigers football team with undying devotion. That’s reason enough to follow him. If these golfers exchange some barbs and trash talk, that’s a bonus!

Recently, I spent hours staring at my TweetDeck screen waiting for Tiger’s response to Sergio’s fried chicken statement. When it came, it was classic Tiger.

On a side note, how would I find the best BBQ joints in every city in America if I wasn’t following Stewart Cink?

Whoops, gotta go. Rickie Fowler just answered my direct message on how to flatten out the bill of my cap. #followyourfavoritePGApro.


GREG

Okay Rick, I took your advice and followed Luke Donald, since we share one thing in common: a degree from Northwestern University. So far I’ve read a bunch of tweets about his wine collection, his trip to England to meet the Queen and his affinity for Miyazaki beef. He even used the word “chuffed” in a tweet. #onsecondthought #nothingincommonwiththisguy

If players want to needle each other and give restaurant recommendations then let’s put microphones on all of them. Then I wouldn’t need an internet connection to hear their thoughts. Also, if Ricky Fowler can swing with a cap bill the size of Donald Duck’s beak clouding his vision, a small microphone shouldn’t be too burdensome. Shall I suggest that to the PGA Tour? Better yet, should I tweet it?

RICK

Go ahead and tweet it Greg but with your follower count, not many will hear it, You told me in the past that the great thing about social media sites like Twitter is that now everybody has a voice. The golfers know they have a voice, so they are going to try and be entertaining. As a comedian, you have to find some entertainment value in pro golfers trying to be funny. If they are informative in the process, that’s a bonus. Not to change the subject, but what caddies do you follow?

GREG

#ouchthathurts #nolongermyfriend

Tiger vs. Sergio: A temporary ceasefire or "The Stink on the Links?"

Greg:


Greetings Rick! Are you as excited about the U.S. Open as I am? Should be a great tournament. Beautiful, tough Merion Golf Club outside of Philadelphia and lots of great story lines to boot. There's the continuing belly putter controversy, the state of Phil Mickelson's game and, uh, I guess that's about it. Oh yes, there's the alleged Sergio Garcia/Tiger Woods feud but that's old news, right? To recap, at the Player's Championship Sergio complained that Tiger played out of turn, Tiger denied it, a couple of marshals had differing opinions, Sergio said Tiger is not a nice person, Tiger said Sergio's a whiner, Sergio made an inappropriate fried chicken comment about Tiger, Sergio apologized and Tiger tweeted that everybody should move on.
Of course you know the media wants this to continue. There are those who would be positively giddy if someone built an Ultimate Fighting octagon around Merion's practice range and made Tiger vs. Sergio a pay-per-view event. If Muhammad Ali were still fighting, he’d call our nation’s oldest golf tournament "The Stink on the Links." Personally, I think everybody is going to be sorely disappointed. The U.S. Open is too important to both men; they'll go about their business and be gentlemen even if they get paired together. I'm sure you agree.

Rick:

Greg, what rock have you been living under? It’s going to easily be “The Stink on the Links.” Any story mentioning the name “Tiger Woods” is bound to be huge. This story has potential to go down in Philadelphia lore with infamous Philadelphia Eagles fans booing and chucking snowballs at Santa Claus incident of 1968.
There are numerous forces at work here. An overzealous media, yes. A polarizing figure, who has never won a golf major in Sergio Garcia, yes. An even more polarizing figure in Tiger Woods who has won 14 major titles, but not one in five years, yes again. Add in the fact that both of these players will be required to do press conferences leading up the beginning of play on Thursday, and they could say just about anything. Even without the comments Garcia made recently about “fried chicken” this would be shaping up to be the biggest sports story of 2013 to date.
Add in the “X Factor” which would be Philadelphia sports fans. These are the same fans who cheered when Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin sustained a career-ending injury at the Vet in the ‘90s. Remember how U.S. Open golf fans treated Colin Montgomerie when he was contending in recent decades? That was amateur hour compared to what Garcia will get in “The City of Brotherly Love.”
Greg, if you want to watch a quiet and friendly golf tournament Father’s Day weekend with rivals exchanging pleasantries over the course of 18 holes, I’m sure there is a public course or a country club near you where you could sneak on and get your fix. It’s only appropriate the U.S. Open at Merion ends on Father’s Day, since I have have a feeling Tiger might be asking Sergio, “Who’s your Daddy?”

Greg:

Rick, you’re comparing apples and oranges or, since we’re talking about Philadelphia, cheesesteaks and Italian Beef. I agree that the media will try and push both player’s buttons but, after what’s already happened, Sergio and Tiger are too smart to take the bait. Eventually the press will give up and go back to eating the free food that’s always available in the media tent.
Also, regarding Philadelphia fans, you are forgetting that these people quickly embraced the world’s most famous fighting pit bull trainer. All Michael Vick did was complete a few screen passes and fans were snapping up his jersey faster than you can say “get out of jail free.” So what if they booed Santa Claus? In 1971 the jolly red-suited guy left my house without delivering that air rifle I requested and I still haven’t forgiven him.
Finally, Merion isn’t Veterans Stadium. There are no beer vendors showing up every three seconds saying, “you guys ready?” At Merion fans won’t be seeing three flagsticks and, therefore, won’t be inclined to hoot and holler should Sergio suffer a devastating golf injury like a split fingernail. (By the way, I had one of those three years ago and I still think it affects my putting. ) I’ll let you have the last word, insignificant as it may be.

Rick:



Greg, let me wrap up by saying that your case has more holes in it than... well, a golf course. Whether they are intoxicated or not, Sergio is going to get an earful. Let me also say, as an upstanding member of the media, I’ve never complained about the free food in any media tent even though an unnamed tennis tournament once fed the media BBQ for 8 straight days.
They say you can’t teach an old dog, or maybe even a pitbull new tricks and it doesn’t get much older and loyal than Philadelphia sports fans. They’ve been bred to be this way. Couple that with having to watch the Eagles, Sixers, and Phillies the past few seasons and the cheesesteak lovers will be ripe to give Sergio a collective tongue lashing. I recently was emailed the list of items that fans cannot bring through the gates at Merion during U.S. Open week. The list includes signs, posters, pets, and ladders. There is nothing about leaving your big mouth at home, so I expect fireworks wherever Sergio goes. On the course and off.